Dink Dictator : Pickleball Karen’s Quest for Global Pickleball Order

"Pipe down you little brats! If your shoes aren't USAPA registered, then there's nothing left to discuss."

"Should an International HOA Be Established to Govern All Pickleball Courts Globally? Yes. Should I Be in Charge of Said HOA? Also, Yes."

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1. Introduction: Karen’s Grand Vision of Global Pickleball Governance

Oh, dear pickleball enthusiasts—or should I say, future subjects of my impeccable rule—welcome to the age of enlightenment: the pickleball enlightenment. We have endured the dark ages of chaotic serves and egregious dress codes for far too long. If you’re reading this, congratulations! You’re about to witness the dawn of an era in which pickleball is rescued from its current disarray. I propose an International HOA to govern all pickleball courts globally, and naturally, I shall lead this enlightened regime.

This isn’t just a suggestion, my little pickle peons. It’s a moral imperative. For without order, structure, and, most importantly, my oversight, the pickleball world is doomed to unravel like a cheap knockoff paddle from Amazon. You need me at the helm. You crave my rules. You may not know it yet, but trust me: I’m the hero pickleball deserves, and frankly, the one it desperately needs.

2. Why the World Needs an International HOA for Pickleball

Imagine a world without structure. It’s horrifying, isn’t it? Players wearing whatever they want, turning up in the kind of non-regulation attire that looks like they dressed in the dark. Court lines scuffed, paddles that look like they were found in a yard sale. The horror.

Without an International HOA, we’re stuck with local club managers—those bumbling amateurs—who allow such atrocities as “fun” and “relaxed gameplay.” Utter chaos. And don’t even get me started on the rogue players who have the audacity to serve with... improper paddles. Barbaric. What are we, cavemen?

Under my International HOA, every court will run like a well-oiled machine—one that I oversee with clipboard in hand and judgment in my heart. Gone are the days of reckless drop shots and unsanctioned giggles. Picture this utopia: every volley in perfect form, every court basking in the glory of uniformity, and a worldwide chorus of rule-abiding players who know better than to question my reign. This isn’t just a dream; it’s a pickleball masterpiece.

3. Bylaws and 47-Page Contracts: Karen’s Ideal Rulebook

Prepare yourselves, as I lay down the cornerstone of my governance—a meticulous set of bylaws that nobody can wriggle out of, unless they fancy expulsion. The weak, and wholly incomplete USA Pickleball guidelines are just the beginning. Here are just a few highlights from my upcoming masterpiece, otherwise known as “Karen’s Comprehensive Guide to Pickleball Perfection” (working title, copyright pending):

• Mandatory Footwear Checks: Because if your shoes aren’t Karen-approved, you’re not just out of the game, you’re out of society. No, I’m serious. Go live in the woods or something, with your shameful footwear.

• No “Fun” Allowed: Laughter on the court? That’s a point deduction. Giggles? Immediate disqualification. This is pickleball, people, not your cousin’s backyard barbecue. We’re here to be our best selves, not to have fun.

• Drop Shots Banned Forever: The indecisive person's favorite move. Unacceptable. If you can’t commit to a proper hit, I suggest you find a new hobby. Might I recommend knitting? Go big or go home—that’s the Karen motto.

And let’s not forget the 47-page contract that every player will sign, covering everything from paddle types to the acceptable amount of sweat one is allowed to produce during a match. The answer is: not much. Perspiration? Gross. We’re not animals.

4. The Surveillance State: How Karen Will Control the Court

"BREACH! Code 14A - I repeat, Sharon has breached the kitchen!"

But how, you ask, will I enforce these rules on a global scale? Two words: total surveillance. Drones shall hover. Cameras shall twinkle like the watchful eyes of Big Brother. Welcome to the pickleball panopticon, baby! Each court will be under constant observation, and all footage will be reviewed by an elite team of rule enforcers. By “elite team,” I, of course, mean me, sipping decaf at home with a spreadsheet open, monitoring every move you make. I’ll know if your paddle is 1 millimeter too short. I’ll know if your shoelaces aren’t regulation-tight.

You’ll never be alone. Ever. Want to make an unsanctioned serve? Think twice, because my drones will catch you. And I’ll be watching. Oh, will I be watching.

5. Karen’s Role as the Supreme Ruler

Some of you may be wondering, "But Karen, won’t this be a lot of work? Can’t we share the responsibility?" To which I say: how dare you. Do you question Da Vinci as he painted the Mona Lisa? No. So don’t question my vision for a unified pickleball world order.

I will be at the helm of global board meetings, deciding the fate of every pickleball court across the globe. Things like court color schemes (teal and taupe, obviously) and the absolute abolition of Casual Fridays will be under my sole jurisdiction. Elections will be held for appearances, but I’ll win them all. Why? Because you want me to. Don’t worry, I know what’s best for you. You’re welcome in advance.

6. Penalties for Non-Compliance

From Star Wars themed gift shops, to local pickleball courts - Nobody is Safe.

Question: When you see all those Star Wars movies - who do you see as the bad guys??

Answer: Obviously, the rebellion equates to pure evil! In fact, the rebel alliance represents pure chaos, and should be labelled as a cosmic terrorist organization (Note to Self: call the manager of the US Space Force).

Oh, you thought you could sneak by without adhering to my bylaws? Bless your heart. Non-compliance will be met with swift and unforgiving penalties. Immediate expulsion is the bare minimum. If you think I won’t follow through, just wait until you feel the burn of my disappointed glare—a punishment worse than any fine. But should you persist in your rebellion, expect hefty financial penalties. By the time I’m through with you, you’ll be selling your house just to afford a new pair of Karen-approved pickleball shoes.

And don’t even think about trying to sneak back onto a court. Once you’re blacklisted by my HOA, there’s no redemption. You’ll be playing on cracked pavement in a parking lot, hitting a ball against a brick wall. That’s your future if you cross me. And let’s be honest, you probably deserve it.

7. Karen’s Vision for Pickleball’s Future

Forget this nonsense about pickleball being “fun.” Fun is for amusement parks, not my pickleball courts. My vision for the future is one where the sanctity of the game is preserved at all costs. This means no more joy-filled, carefree matches. Instead, I offer you regimented, perfectly executed volleys and rallies. Joy will now be defined by precision. The future of pickleball is Karen-approved and Karen-regulated, where the greatest pleasure comes from knowing that every single aspect of your game is flawless, down to the last legally measured paddle width.

8. Final Thoughts: “You’re Welcome, World”

So, there you have it. I am the future of pickleball. With me in charge, you can finally say goodbye to the chaos and inefficiency that has plagued our beloved courts. Instead, bask in the glory of the Karen regime—a utopia where every serve, every volley, and every outfit is exactly as it should be.

So go ahead, thank me now. Or later. Either way, you will thank me. You’re welcome, world, for pulling your courts out of the trenches of chaos and into the blinding light of organized, Karen-approved perfection. Now, spread the gospel of Karen to your local HOAs, or languish in the dark ages of pickleball mediocrity

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Listen up, future followers of the Karen Regime. I’ve laid out the blueprint for pickleball perfection, and now it’s time for you to do your part. This isn’t a suggestion—it’s a directive from your soon-to-be Supreme Ruler of Global Pickleball Governance. Don’t just sit there with your non-regulation paddles and subpar footwear. The courts are calling, and they need saving. I need saving—from having to witness another unapproved drop shot.

Head over to BDE Pulse—the one and only place for cutting-edge pickleball wisdom (and my future official propaganda platform). Stay up to date with my latest decrees and ensure that when the global International HOA is established (with me at the helm, naturally), you’ll be one of the first to bask in the glow of pickleball enlightenment.

Join the movement, share the gospel, and let’s whip these courts—and yourselves—into shape. You wouldn’t want to disappoint me, would you?